I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He passed out mid-signature
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
