I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
