Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
