I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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