I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
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When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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