i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
