Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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