sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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