The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
