I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
