I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
