when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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