you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
