Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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