he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
