the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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