K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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