Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
