i just wanna soil my oats bro
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
