I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
