I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
