I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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