I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
