I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
