My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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