It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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