I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
