I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
