hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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