Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
