I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
