Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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