how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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