the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
