he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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