Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
