Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
