I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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