I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
