70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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