I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
