I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
