So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
