I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
