i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
