The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
