she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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