It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My cat gives me a boner
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
