oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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