My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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