just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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