Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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