walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
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It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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