the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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