btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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