I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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